I’ve been hanging out with Kari Jobe a lot over the past couple weeks, only she doesn’t know it. I went to worship with her on Thursday, and in preparation for that I listened to her last album. A lot. Loudly. Kari’s music and style of worship makes me want to truly worship God, not worship the experience of worshipping God. It’s easy to get caught up in the bright lights and beautiful people and the contagion of other people’s love for God. I just had to block that out, close my eyes, and worship HIM.
I felt Jesus’ presence palpably, as if He came up behind me and put His arms around me. I could feel His face, His breath on my shoulder, His robes brushing my legs and feet. He came in front of me and looked me in the eyes, smiling. And here’s what He said to me: “Thank you for coming. Thank you for meeting Me here tonight.” Here’s what I, being such a holy woman, said back to Jesus: “You’re the only One Who doesn’t piss me off.” I am DEEP, people, DEEP.
Do you ever feel that way? Being a human is hard sometimes. Try as I might to love deeply, people piss me off. And I do the same to other people!
Here’s another thought that came to me that evening: no posturing. I don’t want to have to be a certain way. I want to be in Him. Just be. Let go of self-assessment, self-consciousness. Let go of self and just be in His presence. No need for thoughts or words or analysis. He can teach me what He wants me to know wordlessly. I just have to rest in Him and it will happen. Quit working so hard for what’s already been done. No striving for understanding. Just listen with the heart. It’s all right there.
One last nugget from my evening with Kari Jobe…I want to be spent by Jesus. I want Him to use me up so that on my last day there is nothing left but the shriveled up remains of my self…a shell of me that was used in the service of God and His people. Use me, mold me, shape me, Lord. SPEND me for Your glory.